It's like a parade of train wrecks.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
