Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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