If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
