she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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