shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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