I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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