Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
