Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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