flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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