Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
