Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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