FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
