I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
