omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
