Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
