I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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