I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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