Im at strip club and am horny
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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