Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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