dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
