Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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