The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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