i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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