if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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