Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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