I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
