I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
