nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
