I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
