o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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