i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
