Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
