can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
