it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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