my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
There's always time for handjobs
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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