is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
