i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just gift wrapped bread.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
