The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
