i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
