I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
