Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I did not marry a roomba.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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