God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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