Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
