he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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