im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
