i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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