the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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