pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
