This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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