I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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